Heavenly Bodies at the Met Gala

The theme was Heavenly Bodies, and yes, there was a bit of flesh on heavenly bodies on display, the heavenliness assisted by a bit of makeup and implants. The theme was Catholic Imagination, and yes, it turned a bit heretic, apostate and blasphemous. But since the Cardinals and priests were present, and they were not and are still not complaining, even bringing in a church choir to cheer on the festival goers, who was I to complain? As I indicated above, this was a high society affair. So if you find this kind of thing offensive, check again, probably you do not belong to high society.

In any case, it is written judge not, and you shall not be judged. It also says, “take up your cross and follow me”. Many prefer to carry theirs on the shoulder. Jennifer was carrying hers on her bosom. Actually, they might as well have made the theme Crucifix, as there were crosses galore. Carry yours too. Any which way you can.

White smoke effused pretty early in the day. Hardly surprising, seeing that the pontiff was self-electing and the new pope in town was the host.  Many a pope is known to assume new names. But this one will remain Pope Rihanna. If it offends you (the not assuming a new name that is), sorry.

ooh! la!a!. The Devil wears Prada!

Wrong. The angel wears Prada. In that often misquoted statement, the Angel Perry never ever said she was a devil. What she said, and meant, was that she sold her soul to the devil (for a music career).

That aside, if it makes you weep that we now have she angels, just assume she was depicting Tinkerbell, or Daedalus, or Icarus. It’s all in the mind.

And even if you weep, you would hardly be the first or your tears the most memorable. Ask me why. Because ever since the Romans allowed for the boy-child, Mary’s boy child, to be dragged out of Jerusalem to be lynched in the most gruesome way on the road to Golgotha as her mum watched, the weeping Mary has appeared in every continent in this world and maybe in the next too.
She has appeared in apparitions, in statues and in rooms. It would have been very surprising then if she did not appear here. And when she did,

she caused a spark so bright the cameras were rendered useless, the camera people preferring to use their mouths instead. I could not blame them. But I doubt SZA will be weeping anytime soon, seeing that many at the gala were left wondering whether she just might be a real one.

The cypher key to the map to Ophir and of Ophir itself, where wise man Solomon had his goldmine, is hidden in the bible book of 1Solomon 2:1-10. Whoever decrypts the cypher key will find the gold.  The person who came closest to finding the mines was Allan Quatermain. He drowned in the Zambezi. The other was that Spaniard, I forget his name, who was cannibalised by the Aztecs at El Dorado. But it appears that someone here did decipher the key and the key to a woman’s heart, too.

As for you, you first have to locate the book of Solomon.

I suspected they were there to represent Africa, in an African way, because it is said, and I quote:

When he came from heavenHe landed in JudeaWhen there was troubleHe ran to Africa.

I am not sure, though, whether they were able to perform Esikut or Kanungo, but hey! It is the thought which counts.

There is a story, too grisly for children, I must say, but told in Sunday schools. I  suspect you have heard it told, but I will tell you anyway.

It goes like this.

There was a certain girl, some say Salome, whose father was Phil, who, it is said, had a devious smile. Now, this nubile could dance! Maybe you don’t remember the dance part, but do you remember Ma Baker? She could dance, right? The girl could dance better than her. Do you remember Mata Hari? Mata Hari could dance, right?  Well, the girl could dance better than her. But there was a problem. Her mother was more dangerous than these two women combined. To compound matters, her stepfather was a binge drinker and given to serious lapses of judgment when high and or in the presence of the fairer sex. No. Won’t continue with this. I still think the story is too macabre, so I won’t tell you how the combination of these three characters led to a preacher’s head rolling into a basket at a banquet.

Instead, I will narrate to you this callow one.

I was barely past my teenage years and had just relocated from ucha. Everything in the city was strange but permissible.
Now, the first week of my arrival in the city, I frequented Reinsurance Plaza to visit my sister on account of some heavenly dish (chips), she used to buy for me at Munyiri’s. The plaza had lifts equipped with feather-touch control pads inside. One day, I opened the lift only to find a lady stranded inside because her hands were full of groceries. Unfortunately, I became helpless too, my eyes popping out like marbles, hypnotised (like this dude here) by the lady’s two mesmerising items. She asked me to press one.
I timidly did a feather touch as instructed. She smiled sweetly and meowed,  “thaaank yoouuu”, then added, “now can you press the button for the first floor for me please”.

But that was 2015, the year of Beyonce’ remember. Let us get back to 2018. With the opulence and conspicuous spending displayed at the gala, you could not fail to accept that ours is a material church in a material world. So how could the material girl miss!

Long before this gala, in fact, long before the 3rd millennium, the material girl had been accused of profaning the crucifix. For this sacrilegious matter, a self-proclaimed defender of Catholicism confronted her. Why, he wanted to know, was she donning a crucifix atop an attire that left extremely little to the imagination? What audacity of all audacities was she executing dance moves that were reported to make St. Peter abandon the pearl gates for safety and counsel deeper into heaven. “Why!?”
The material gal thought, “Papa!, don’t pontificate”. She made one of those pole-dance moves on him, made a sigh of the cross and replied in a pre-teenage girls’ voice, “Oooh, I love the crucifix, see, because it has a naked man on it”. The journalist fainted.

Here is her impromptu presentation at the Met Gala 2018

It has been reported that LED eyelashes can cause serious damage to the eyes. Nothing has been said about diamond or LED on the eyebrows. Neither hanging things on any part that can hang a thing. This being a respectable blog, we shall limit ourselves to the face. If you need to see more, put a comment below in the comments section, and we shall oblige you.

For now, let us go back to imagination. Imagine Lady of Sorrows and Man of Sorrows together again. Imagine. Wouldn’t it be happy? I think those. It is the 21st century, remember. Public executions, persecutions and other secutions are no longer in vogue.  These days, the Empire has more romantic ways of dealing with those who don’t toe the line. Like a plane crash, poison or forced disappearance, and a mum would be none the wiser.

Two characters appeared dressed like a Catholic priest and a catholic cardinal. The Celebrities avoided them, deeming their outfits too audacious and too close to the real thing. Except for a brave one who was probably high on the altar wine, usually reserved for the eucharist, but was on display at the catholic section, engaged them:

“I love your costume. Funky outfit!”, said he.

“Thank you”, replies the collared man.
“Is that”, pointing at the white collar, “like, for real? You’re the best-dressed dude here, bro.”
He high-fives the priest, then the cardinal, swirls his wine and takes a sip. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he says,
“You look just like the real thing. I love that you got dressed up as a sexy priest.”

Meanwhile, the man of the cloth is thinking,  “Mnn, he must be one of those people who don’t run into priests often”
For as it turned out, the two were real Padres and had not dressed up at.

Life is a mystery as Madonna would sing later that night if a priest’s well-pressed suit, collar and vestment can be deemed sexy and audacious in a room full scantly covered bodies, heavenly or not.