Pelting the police station with stones is not a good idea. Even the immensely ingenious madwoman of Runyenjes knew that. Okay, let us say she learned the lesson. One day, while Helena Ciaturi or Cio-Kĩgĩ was the reigning madwoman of Runyenjes Town, and Afande Kasimingi was the inspector in charge of the cooler in the town, there was an adults’ sports bonanza at the local stadium.
The weather was chilly. Of course, it was chilly. It was July in Runyenjes. The sportsmen and women were not deterred, though. They had come out in all their splendour. Barefoot? Definitely. No one in their right mind runs in shoes. At least that was the logic then.
Gĩkũndũ the Black Maria
As the Afande in charge, Kazimingi also controlled the goings and returnings of Gĩkũndũ the Black Maria. Today, Gĩkũndũ was packed at the Stadium. On the passenger seat, Kasimingi was busy on the ova-ova, the police radio. Occasionally, he would step out, lean on the bonnet and light a Smooth Menthol cigarette.
Cio-Kĩgĩ was giving a running commentary of the events, the sportsmen, the spectators and whatever else her imaginative mind conjured. But she reserved the juiciest comments for the sportswomen. Perhaps it was something she said about a certain woman who was rumoured to consult nightly with the inspector or something else. But whatever inspired Afande Kazimingi to interrupt Cio-Kĩgĩ’s monologue, no one knows. But he did. He told her,
“Cio-Kĩgĩ nĩ ũnegenire mũno. Uma-ava!” Meaning “Cio-Kĩgĩ, you are making too much noise. Go away.”
Regarding the Afande keenly, ciokĩgĩ first removed her headgear, a wig of twigs. Then, with one arm akimbo and gesturing with the other, a sideways sneer on her face, she spoke as she looked up Kasingi up and down. She made sure she spoke loudly so that she could be heard a score paces away.
“Mnnn! Mũthenya nĩ Cio-Kĩgĩ. Na gwatuka nĩ “please Helena give me mũkenia” (“mnn! During the day, you dismiss me as Cio-Kĩgĩ, but when night falls, that changes to “Please Helena, give me some sweetness.”
Kazimingi chase Cio-Kĩgĩ
Kazimingi took time to grasp the gravity of the admonishment. But when the muffle and chuckle of the onlookers burst into open laughter, he made to grab the madwoman and ended up with her tattered blanket in his hands as she took off towards the field. He ran after her. Helena dropped her dress. There was nothing under it. She reached the starting line as the 4×4 hundred metres relay was reaching the home stretch. Soon there were five to six barefoot and shirtless athletes on the tracks, a nude woman behind them and a black booted inspector of police keeping the tail end.
The relay record set on that day has never been broken in Runyenjes or anywhere. But that is not important.
The important thing is, with the help of the first aiders of the Red Cross, Cio-Kĩgĩ was eventually arrested. They tethered her on a stretcher, covered her with a blanket and delivered her to the Black Maria.
In the Black Maria, she was taken far, far away to Mathari Mental Hospital.
